In grammar, tense is a category that expresses time reference. A basic concept we use effortlessly every day, yet one that now causes me great pain when I speak of my sister. Every part of my emotional self demands to continue to speak of her in the present—she still is my sister, after all. But this is such a complicated thing to navigate, especially in situations where I meet new people.
If I refer to her in the present tense, will I inadvertently be communicating to them that she is alive? (She is a chef because she actively does that today, not because that defines her despite having left this earth?)
If I reference something in past tense, will they incorrectly assume I mean something has changed? (She lived in her old town because she moved to a new one, not because she ceased living?)
If I have to say, “I used to have a sister but I don’t anymore” forever more, will I be able to get through this sentence without getting teary-eyed? (And why does it hurt 10 times more when I have to say it in a foreign language?)
I don’t have answers. If I use language to represent my heart and innermost feelings, she still is. But if I need to clearly communicate undeniable reality, she was but is no longer. Maybe I need to work on using the clunky phrasing, she will always be ___ to me. I can promise her a kind of future that way, but couching my remembrance of her in language that brings her into tomorrow.
Unmoored Sister 