I am trying to prepare to move, take a final exam, and say goodbye to the city that I consider my second hometown. I’ve got a lot going on, and I am busy. I don’t have time to open Facebook and meltdown because a memory from 11 years ago reminded me of when I was assistant coach for the team I had been part of and my sister was then captain of.
This opened up the whole can of “now the only productive thing I can do is sob.” In this process of packing, I am evaluating every object I own and determining if everything comes with me to the next home. Except with this emotional overlay, I am now also considering every item through the lens of how it relates to my sister.
If it was a gift she gave me, it’s coming with me no matter what.
If it was part of my unwanted inheritance from her things, I can’t bear to part with it.
If it was something I happily showed her or she complimented, I can never let it go, because it’s the final bridge between me and those moments of affection I’ll never get again.
If I bought it after she died because it reminded me of her, I have to keep it.
Unfortunately for me, in this temporary home I’ve had, the vast majority of my objects fall into those categories, because the less-important-to-me things are sitting in temporary holding, waiting for my onward move. And so I am in this apartment, made chaotic by the preparations for movers to come, on the precipice of yet another huge change in my life, sobbing as I sit cross-legged surrounded by what, to other people, is “just some stuff.”
I’m completely encased in a sampler of things that relate to her, but the only thing I want—her actual presence—escapes me.
Unmoored Sister 
It must be so hard to be doing this right now… I don’t know if this is a solution for you, but what we did was for now to keep everything…the things that did not fit into our homes are somewhere in storage. Looking back at some decisions we were forced to make in the first few days/weeks after her death, I think we were not in a position to think clearly so I think postponing these decisions was a wise thing for us.
I also have some things of hers that remind me so much of her. And I’m really grateful for those things. I don’t know how others are (I think I am an exception for loving going through her things) but I don’t trust my memory and imagination so I’m happy to find those connections in my brain so alive and intact whenever I look at one of these pieces of clothing or objects. They are my portals to being with my sister again, however I can.
Good luck with your move! It’s really difficult to be so active with grief this fresh.
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