The unhelpful things people said that stuck with me

I know many are anxious to understand what to say or what not to say to someone who is grieving. You can find a lot of articles with advice of varying degrees of helpful. I can only tell you which of the painfully inappropriate and tone deaf things that I remember word for word. Consider these exemplars of what not to say to anyone grieving, and especially to someone navigating the painful and often overlooked world of sibling loss.

1. “Was she your only sibling?” / “Were you close?” I’m sure it was meant to understand the gravity of my loss, but reminding me in that moment that I was now alone in a profound way was not helpful. It didn’t matter if I had one or five sisters, or whether we spoke daily or had been estranged⁠ — I was clearly in pain.
   
   
2. “I understand how you feel, because I was very sad when my 18-year-old son left home three weeks earlier than planned.” Or any variation of anything that is clearly nowhere near the same magnitude. I have tried to convince myself this was the most painful thing this person had ever felt, and it was a genuine attempt to relate, but even writing it now, I’m still angry.
   
   
3. “How are your parents holding up?” The sequencing matters on this one, but I feel it was often a way for the asker to avoid focusing on me because they were uncomfortable, but it made me feel completely erased and unseen. (In a larger conversation that did not completely overlook me and my pain, this could be okay, to be clear.)
   
   
4. “Oh, are you still sad?” Asked on the day of the one-month milestone since my life transitioned from the Before Times to the After Times. Yes, I’m still very much sad.
   
   
5. “She’s in a better place now.” / “Her purpose here was finished.” How dare anyone try to tell me my sister is better off anywhere than in the loving home she built with her partner enjoying music, food, friends, and life? Sometimes these sentiments were tinged with a religious connotation that also does not align with my understanding of life and the universe, which made it that much harder to accept.
   
   
6. “How are you?” This is such a loaded question. I would have preferred a simple, “It’s good to see you.” It would have even been easier to receive, “What’s on the agenda today?” or honestly anything that didn’t come accompanied with that telltale look of pity. To be clear, from close friends or even well intentioned folks in a private setting, this wasn’t so bad. But asking at a table full of people as I sit down to participate in a meeting is not kind.